No Less A Devil
by humanveil
Summary: Emotions were an odd sensation for Hux; buried so deep within his memory the concept was almost foreign. It's no wonder he couldn't identify love when he felt it. Kylux. tw for child abuse.


A/N: look at me,, trying to make you sympathise with a mass murderer. ah well, all this new info on Armitage™ gave me some serious Hux feels so here we are. i'm v tired so this isn't my best writing but hopefully you all enjoy my emotional dump anyway.

also,, the title comes from sylvia plath's 'daddy', because that's the horrible type of humor i have.

* * *

A new born, Hux cries.

His wailing is met by smiles from the nursing staff, exhausted but relieved. It had been a difficult delivery, a difficult pregnancy all together, but he was here now. Premature and too small, but alive. Ready to be handed to his mother.

His mother winces as he's placed in her arms, her hold awkward and not at all comforting.

He cries harder. His father leaves the room.

xxx

Hux's first words come later than expected, his first steps even more so.

He's only up for a moment, little feet moving two paces before he falls. A quiet thud sounds as he lands on his backside, big blue eyes welling with tears.

It's the first time he hears his father call him weak.

It's definitely not the last.

xxx

Hux is three years old when he first scrapes his knee.

He'd been running around, nothing but a nanny droid watching him before he'd fallen. The scrape isn't too bad, a few tiny cuts and a small amount of blood. But still, he cries.

Through his tears, he hears his father mutter the words _toughen up._

xxx

Sick and in pain, Hux is five years old when he first goes to his father for help.

He's eight when he stops.

xxx

Ten sees the first time his father hits him.

It's a harsh strike to his face, done by the back of Brendol's hand.

Hux cries. His father does it again.

The boy recoils in pain, though he's not sure if it's from the blow or the mocking laugh that follows.

He doesn't cry again.

xxx

At age eleven, Hux learns the definition of repression. Better yet, he learns how to use it.

If his father has taught him anything, it's that feelings are useless; an obstacle of success, a defect.

A _weakness_.

He doesn't quite understand why; his young mind uncomprehending of how something like that could be wrong. But Brendol is adamant, and so he tries his best to repress the natural urges of his emotions, and hopes his father appreciates his efforts.

He doesn't. Hux keeps trying anyway.

xxx

At fourteen, Hux understands.

His peers teach him that his father was right. Emotions _are_ a weakness; little more than an opportunity for exploitation. He seems to be the only person who understands, though, and so he uses it to his advantage.

Having long since learnt the chances of winning physical altercations were slim, Hux turns to words to win his fights. He develops a smart mouth, a quick wit. He watches people, waiting for their weaknesses to show, and then uses them against them.

By fifteen, they learn to leave him alone.

xxx

By eighteen, Hux is comfortably numb.

He perfects the act of scolding his face into a blank slate, learns how to present himself in a way that radiates power, and pays little attention to things that won't help him succeed.

He overhears someone call him a heartless machine; it almost makes him smile.

xxx

It grows easier with time.

At nineteen, standing over the body of the first man he'd ever killed, Hux thinks he has it perfected.

The face below him contorts with emotion; shock, realisation, anger, agony, _peace_.

Hux's doesn't change from its stoic default.

xxx

He graduates the academy at twenty-two.

He accepts the praise with a polite smile; not because he feels like smiling, but because it'd be weird if he didn't.

His father claps him on the back. It only makes him feel uncomfortable.

xxx

At twenty-four, Hux meets Kylo Ren.

He hates him. (He hates everyone).

He tries not to be too obvious.

By twenty-five, he gives that up.

xxx

At twenty-six, he kisses Kylo Ren.

It's harsh and bruising and it interrupts their argument, but it doesn't matter.

Nothing mattered when Kylo was grabbing at him like _that_.

xxx

At thirty, he gains the title of General.

He lets himself feel pride.

It _was_ an accomplishment, after all.

xxx

Thirty two sees his father die.

The news isn't shocking. Or maybe it is and he just doesn't realise it.

Either way, he feels nothing when he reads the message. There's no gasp, no exclamation of grief. He doesn't cry or collapse or need to sit down. Instead, he reads it twice and calmly asks when the funeral is.

For some reason, Kylo attends. It bothers Hux more than it probably should, probably because the other man acts far too nice for Hux's liking. He sits by his side despite his complaints, and, when his mother (step mother) stands to give the eulogy, a gloved hand reaches for his own.

Hux moves his out of reach. Kylo shrugs and settles it on his knee instead.

Something flutters in his stomach. Hux thinks he might be ill.

xxx

Hux is thirty-three when he witnesses Kylo have an episode first hand.

He watches on with poorly concealed disdain as the other man lets his emotions run free, wreaking havoc on their ship.

And then he fucks him against the nearest wall.

xxx

At thirty-four, Hux places the command that destroys the Hosnian system.

He does it without batting an eye, his face moulded into indifference as he kills millions of people.

There was no room for guilt, after all. No room for anything.

xxx

At thirty-four, Hux picks Kylo up from the bloodied snow, the planet collapsing below their very feet.

It's a miracle, but he manages to get them on a ship.

In the deep pit of his stomach, he thinks he may recognise fear.

xxx

At thirty-four, Hux watches Kylo sleep.

It's the first time he'd ever done it; they weren't the type to stick around after sex.

It's surprisingly comforting. Kylo looks oddly peaceful as he sleeps, and the effect rubs off on Hux.

It's hours before dark eyelashes blink open, and then, without warning, Kylo is kissing him.

It's soft and slow and _oh_ —

xxx

At thirty-four, Hux feels love for the first time.


End file.
